My Love's Birthday Bash...

Today is my boyfriend's 23rd's birthday, I celebrated it simply and silently and alone...
I lit candles for him and wished him all the best things in life that God can give him.
I was hoping I could call him and listen to his voice...
I still cannot text or call, though I kept on violating these with my own free will.
I am not incriminating myself anyway!

I saw my best friend today, I told him how tired I am of my life, How I wish that all would get well for me--- that I can graduate this March 28, 2009. What more can my mother ask for, this is also my papa's final request, that I finish my course, AB English.

I also talked to my spiritual director who enlightened me... he made me realize how poor my faith in the Lord is. He told me to ask the Lord God to increase my faith as He gives the gift of faith to those whom he wants. He said "nothing happens by accident, everything has a purpose". It makes me think maybe God is thinking of everything that is best for my family when he decided to take my papa away from us. Mama still cries for him, still misses his company... I cannot do anything but watch her in silence...

All in all today is a FAIR day, I don't have much qualms, I was able to visit my seminary friends, was able to return to the Lord through the sacrament of confession...

Thanks you LOrd for giving my boyfriend another year.

Ash Wednesday Fits

I feel a little sleepy now, I have just taken my medications which as always makes me go staright to dreamland...

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, Mama,I and my sister went to metropolitan cathedral to attend the stations of the cross with the archbishop(just so happened that the archbishop himself is not there, maybe he is not feelig well...) and then right afterwards attended another mass for the occasion. (I attended mass in the morning already and had ash put on my forehead)

Last night, I felt so impatient towards my younger sister, I kept on telling her to text my friend for me but she kept on reasoning out that (and lying) she has no load. Maybe she felt so important because I have no celphone myself. I felt irritable by the time I went to bed, I pushed her away from bed and told her to sleep somewhere else... I might just have the urge to strangle her that's why. God forgive me. I don't want people around whom I trust to behave the way she does, as if she's someone I need to bow to and bend my knees to. I was just asking a favor.

But, in a way, I am happy that I was able to manage my rushing emotions. Maybe I should tell my psychiatrist the very next time I see her. Maybe she would consider getting me out of my home confinement-shit.

not Again

my eldest brother talked with me yesterday, I felt so fed up by the way I am not understood. I feel so forlorn and alone.he kept on telling me that all I have to do is to take my medications, and they'd be the one to worry about how to get the medicines for me and where to get the money for them. I feel helpless then... I felt a tinge of depression slowly surging out of my system. I wanted to die... I don't want anyone to worry for me. I don't want anyone to look after me like I cannot look after myself at all! I am not a little kid to be talked at by an adult... I wanted to blame my psychiatrist for all these stupid happenings... I wish to God she already gets well so she can see how depressed I am and let me get back to my original life(the life I led whenI was depressed--like I get what I want, I can use my celphone which by the way was embargoed because of my rapid fits---Manic-Depression alternating rapidly)... I wanted to get out of the house, I wanted to go to the movies and eat popcorn and watch cheesy,romantic and mushy films... I wanted to go to my spiritual director; an 84 year old Jesuit. I wanted so much to cry to him and complain about how unfair life is. Right now I simply shut myself from the world, it's better like this, I don't want to see anyone especially visitors at this time.

Manic-Depressive under Home Confinement

I am still under home confinement, more like prison confinement. I feel bored with this kind of life; with all the ups and downs of my mood...
Saturday, I tried to see my psychiatrist to ask if I can already revert to my old life, to my normal life. But sad to say she is under hospital confinement also, in Mother Seton Hospital in Naga City. Ironic, isn't it? Life (or God?!) has played a lot of cruel games on me already. First was that I was supposed to graduate this March 2009, but look at this shit that is happening to me-- I am not allowed to go to school also. Damn it! Isn't that so nice of my dr.? or was it me that I was suppose to blame?
I feel like my luck has all ran out... But still thankful to have a very supportive family especially my Mama... yes... especially after my papa passed away last Feb 2, 2009. It was so funny how my sister-in-law became so worried about my initial reaction of my father's death. she thought I would freak out and cry a lot, but I DID NOT. I calmly accepted the whole thing as God's will. I am certain that my beloved papa is happier wherever he is right now that is why I did not cry so much. I grieved yes but I did not wail or cry my heart out the way my Mama did or my other siblings did... I cried some and then went on with my rotten life.
I hope I can soon get out of my cage. I wanted my freedom so badly as if I'm losing my life in the process of hampering my freedom to go wherever I wanted. No one wants to stay at home all day, all week and get bored, right?