rebirth

in the morning, the first day i laid eyes on my first

nephew, Alton Jamir the world seemed to have stopped.

right then and there i saw the serenity that enveloped

him as he slept

he was at peace with himself and the world around him. i

wonder what he will be when he grows up?

will he be like his dad, a rebel yet reformed later in

life?

will he be a good person?

will he consider priesthood as a vocation or have

girlfriends early just like his dad?

i have lots of questions in my mind but what's dearest to

me is if he will learn to love me as his tita when he

grows up? will he listen to me and my advice or totally

ignore me?

ah... the world seemed simpler back then, when all woes

were answered by a simply cry, when all needs were met by

our parents and when we were at most closest to our God.

i just hope i have stayed a baby all my life. life would

not have been this complicated.

~honey 08.24,09

25 and still a virgin...

i don't have much to say for

now...

just a bit frustrated because

things seem to be NOT going

according to what i hoped or

wished...

but then my SD Fr. Carretero,

SJ told me last thursday

during spiritual direction

that "you have to let God run

the show"

he's right, i forgot that

there's a God who's in charge

of everything...

i hope i would be able to

trust in God, he said that i

have to ask God to have faith,

i cannot trust when i don't

believe... that's a bit hard.

but this time i always pray to

God to let me grow in faith.

i also am a bit worried of my

future, but then i have to be

contented of what i have now

first, and do something. if i

don't become a "MADRE" then so

be it, if i don't become a

wife and mother then so be it,

atleast i know that i still

have other options... like

being a MISSIONARY. it doesn't

matter if i remain a virgin

for life, all that matters is

i'm happy and striving to die

a holy death.

resurfacing from murky rivers of depression

...i still have it, this impeccable mood shifts.
i totally do not know how i can live with this.
there were times when i thought ending my life was the best thing,
there were instances when i just want to sleep the rest of my days into oblivion...

i do not anymore see the difference between Monday or Sunday, every day seemed the same.

and when i cry, it was simply dry tears that i shed... maybe i was tired of doing that too.

it was almost 4 years since i was diagnosed with this illness, i read in a magazine it was called a "disease". i can't almost accept i have this inside of my head or inside my whole system.

i am tired of hugging myself. i even dread the times when my friends would visit me. i do not want them to pity me! all i wanted was for them to understand... everything is bound to pass.

...and i waited

bearing the excruciating pain, living like a monk inside my room and feeling totally scared of everything and maybe nothing at all... my mama sleeps beside me. i wonder that's how i was when i was a baby. i simply cannot sleep without her. she too patiently waited like a woman on her ninth month of pregnancy. it was a wait full of anxiety.


will tomorrow come?
will it be a better day?

and then at last it came

i woke up one day and embraced the warmth of sunshine,appreciating every breath that i take, grateful for the unseen hand that created me.

maybe i am still worth one more day.

could be lovers?!

more than friends...

could be lovers.

i thought we could be more than friends

but then you do not understand me.

you did not know what happened to me the time you went away and lost contact with me

you did not know what i truly feel

you did not know the ghosts that haunt me even unto daylight...

you did not know the extreme bliss and its ill effects...

you did not know the spending extravagance and talkativeness from dusk until dawn

you did not know a single thing which you claimed you knew...

how was i so stupid to tell you that i love you more than a friend

and yet i am afraid to tread the path of the unknown

and you claim to have been able to comprehend.

no you don't

now i painfully understand the TRUTH

we cannot be more than friends

and we cannot anymore stay as friends.

maybe because we have never been friends but peers from the very start.

*dedicated to Kaniguan 04.08.09 11:30pm

manic me on monday

it's 4 ami can't sleep...i close my eyes and see a thousand images around me. i think of thoughts more than what i can handle. my mind is racing as a car full speed on the racing track. hitting full speed, hitting hard the metal on the pedal.
and then i talk, endlessly going from one subject to another. my mama listened patiently until tiredness and boredom. i wanted to do so many things but accomplish nothing at the same time. i start doing things and then i realize i cannot finish them. i want to do one thing and do it immediately like an obsessed and posessed being. i can hardly concentrate on one thing like reading. something would always come up and distract me and suddenly i find myself doing another thing like writing this.
i'm afraid i'm going overboard again. i wanted to withdarw money from the bank and spend yet i'm afraid of depleting my finances and my family's. HELP!

manic me on monday

it's 4 ami can't sleep...i close my eyes and see a thousand images around me. i think of thoughts more than what i can handle. my mind is racing as a car full speed on the racing track. hitting full speed, hitting hard the metal on the pedal.
and then i talk, endlessly going from one subject to another. my mama listened patiently until tiredness and boredom. i wanted to do so many things but accomplish nothing at the same time. i start doing things and then i realize i cannot finish them. i want to do one thing and do it immediately like an obsessed and posessed being. i can hardly concentrate on one thing like reading. something would always come up and distract me and suddenly i find myself doing another thing like writing this.
i'm afraid i'm going overboard again. i wanted to withdraw money from the bank and spend yet i'm afraid of depleting my finances and my family's. HELP!