to Fr. Nono

been to a wake of a priest who took his life with his own hands.
i wonder why he did that...
had been life unbearable to him?
did God show his mercy to him before his last breath...
i wonder how it is to die before one learned how to live.

i never really understood suicide,
though i attempted it in my past life
sometimes when i feel so down.
i was just afraid of the pain,
the dishonor, the worries it
will cause my parents
and the grief of my loved ones.

life is precious,
but i do not condemn
what he did at all.
it has been his decision.
somehow he will pay for it
in eternity
or be saved
through God's infinite goodness

At Home with You

i was awake with my eyes
open wide
waiting for something to happen
i hear the silent murmur
in my ear
of a love you feel for me
the distance between
us is great
but our LOVE is greater!
one day we will see each other
and i long for it to be today,
or tomorrow or soon...
my heart can wait,
it has waited seven long years
full of restless ennui
and solitary confinement.
no one dared give me a second look
no one told me i am beautiful--
even if i am fat or ill or imperfect.
no one, until you came
it seemed my world spin
counterclockwise,
and my life
is turned upside down
now all i see is your face
now all i dream is you
now all i wish is to be with you
my heart found its resting place
it is at home with you.

~for William on our first month (26 July 2010)

Dilemma

it has been a while that i get to post things here... in a way i can say that it is because i am not that inspired to write or if i do, it would be cheesy and mushy things! my friend even said that i post usually love letters here, what can i do? i have two (yes TWO) boyfriends this time. i don't see both though coz they are from other countries.one of them is a muslim while the other is a catholic.both of them knew that there are two of them occupying equal space in my heart (or so i guess, haha).

so far, my life is going on smoothly, until last night when my Muslim boyfriend, ARIS (see photo) said that there is a girl whom he met at Mc Donald's one time who seems to like him. he was of course adamant about messaging or texting the girl before he asks my permission first. so i agreed but i said no dates coz it is in our rules but later i realized maybe he needs freedom and so today i agreed to let him date her and just told he that there must be no physical contact especially kissing and sex. and if ever he falls in love he must tell me right away so that we can break up. i think it is my prerogative to give him leeway to meet girls his age especially because he is just 18 years old. i cannot force him or tie him down. i was jealous perhaps but i know that i did the right thing. i hope he is happy. by the way we call each other "JANU" which means "baby" in their language in Pakistan. =)

i miss william

i miss William!


badly Miss Him in fact!