sleepless again

it took me until two or three a.m. to sleep last night
what was that supposed to mean?
i was very afraid of ghosts that migt appear out of nowhere.
and then there's the endless playing of songs in my head,
mostly dance songs that make me even more awake than i should be.

today, it's about five a.m
i am not asleep yet
i took my medication as prescribed,
i even drank milk
but, they did not work at all.

i was supposed to be dpressed and sleeping more than usual
when i cannot seem to accept that i cannot do my required paper...

i have been a disappointment,
first to MYSELF,
second to my parents--
my late father told me to graduate many, many times before he died
and i prayed and asked him to help me do my paper.
it was just a while ago that i finished reading the photocopied researches
i made becuase i wasn't sleepy at all
and was still awake after that.
i have long been postponing the time to read them,
instead i read Harry Potter, and i finished all seven books in a matter
of week/s
but my paper remained an imagination, surreal instead of reality.
surely papa is pissed.

and my mama,
yes, she has long been diappointed
to the point of becoming a fool to believe i can achieve something
or even just anything!
she told me she's running out of patience for me.
she saw me cry several times--
many times i cried for no reason at all
just the mere idea that i am being "useless"
extra useless especially when i am depressed.

i remember NOT being happy after someone bought me a book
it was not because i do not like it,
in fact i do.
it's just that everything seemed bland to me...

now that i can't sleep i resort to my mama
who simply quips that i pray
and yet when i do, the music in my head starts
the dance rythm fills my ears and i lose grip of myself
instead of dozing off i am all alert!
i finished praying my morning prayers, read the readings
and gospel for the day, said the novena and finished some decades
of the rosary
but i am still awake,
my body says "TIME OUT you idiot!"
but my mind gives the green light
it won't stop, won't stop, won't stop!
i'm very tired.
my body, groggy.
my eyes, bleary.
my back and shoulders ache

when will this see-saw mood end?

11.09.09